Husband says this letter writer is "overreacting" to his aggression and expletives behind the wheel, and refuses to change.
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband is a competent driver. As a result, he drives a bit aggressively. In the past five years, I've really come to dislike driving anywhere with him. When someone does something stupid, which is always the case, he starts yelling and using foul language in the car. I've told him many times the other driver can't hear him. I don't want to hear one expletive after another in a 10-minute ride.
This behavior has really turned me off. And he won't change. I asked him numerous times, and he just thinks I'm overreacting.
-- Passenger
Passenger: An angry, aggressive driver is not a competent driver. He may be skilled, but he is distracted by others and therefore dangerous.
Since this is a newish development, there could be an underlying health issue, even if it's just intensifying prior tendencies. Depression can present as anger, as can cognitive decline, to name two.
Someone convinced he's the only competent admiral in a sea of idiots has a roughly 0 percent chance of admitting he's a problem, I get that -- but a girl's gotta try.
And a spouse does, too: "I feel unsafe. And you're not making bad drivers better. Stop dismissing me." You have that tack, too -- his negating you. Urge him to get a health workup, citing the uptick in anger.
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About Carolyn Hax
(For The Washington Post)
I've written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don't want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram.
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In the meantime, heed this response in the original chat: "Decline to be a passenger ... when he is driving. You drive or take separate cars. Maybe he will take the message more seriously." Good luck.
Re: Passenger: My wife is an aggressive driver -- not angry, but six lane changes in three minutes. I would refuse to be her passenger. BUT she is the complete opposite as a passenger and will literally scream if the car 500 feet in front of me taps its brakes.
I have refused to ride with her.
Two cars is stupid and expensive. Rideshare and taxis are expensive and not reliable in my city. I'm at a loss.
-- Anonymous
Anonymous: Her behavior as driver and passenger makes "stupid and expensive" sound smart and economical. Unless she's willing to get evaluated for that anxiety problem she's apparently harbored for a while? Please? Or you drive, she sits in back.
Readers' thoughts:
· That used to be me. Then I admitted to myself I could be a better driver if I anticipated every dumb thing the other driver could do. So if I expect that guy to cut me off, then either he does and I can pat myself on the back for being the better driver, or he doesn't and I can be pleasantly surprised. As a side effect, it helps me focus on the other drivers and my situation better.
· I was having the same issues as your husband. A while ago, I offhandedly started watching "bad driver" and "road rage" videos on YouTube, and believe it or not, I totally adjusted how I drive! The more you watch them, the more you become aware of the pointlessness of driving aggressively and also what leads to accidents. I now drive 20 percent slower and get amused as other "ragers" race around me. See if he'll watch them with you!
· None of you drives as well as you think you do. So start being more demanding with the driver in your life who is making you uncomfortable. I'm confident they are even worse in an empty car than an occupied one, and when they inevitably hit and kill someone, your life is going to be thrown asunder. Worth 1,500 awkward conversations and demands to keep that out of your future.